Category: love


nigrum sericum

 

Death.

how sweet your taste, lingering forevermore upon lips
quivering with desire known only by your secret lovers.

 

How I long for black silk,
softly teasing with forbidden dreams
of what lies beneath…

 
Death.

how sweet your kiss, upon those icy lips of a broken man.

 

 

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A growling hum fades into the background as it is drowned out by a sound revolutionised by a society in what some refer to as modern day. Megalomaniac chants of counter-culture, from the underground, halo-maniacal and harder than the rest. Celebrate relentlessness, menace to society. Refuse is our inspiration, terrorism our trade ~ sabotage and piracy ~ chaos our mental state. Like a fiendish tropic virus spitting bile at all you whores, razor-sharp tongue-in-cheek poking in your open sores.

I was going to write an extensive piece on one of many topics I find disturbingly interesting… sipping on my g&T and listening to some really good music, however, I decided against it. The past couple of weeks proved to be a roller-coaster of note: emotional high and lows, reminders of the financial Hell survived in drudging through my articles, people thought to be friends tallying their blood-money, old friends resurrecting themselves in a fashion I always thought they would (and thus confirming suspicions nigh decades old), value recognised in new people, nightmares of both lives past and future, death.

I have so much to write about. I would gladly sacrifice my ever-increasing bright future in the Corporate World to simply live each day…too bad it’s not practical. I haven’t met the love of my life. I won’t be able to afford a nutritious meal every day. I won’t be able to make a living. Hell, I can’t even afford to get to that sanctuary amidst my lost rainforests ~ the nearest stench of civilisation endless leagues away. It’s days like today which remind me of my sincere love for music, books, movies and my general disregard toward humanity’s affinity for sanity.

I write tonight because it is my Passion. It’s been just over six months since I’ve “officially” taken up the quill once more. Granted, I haven’t been able to share the World with the rest of you cursed lot in as much artful splendour as I would have liked over the past couple of months, but at least I’m writing again.  Following a hurricane of feedback from both my social media offerings (faceBook and twitter), I was enticed to blog ever so often as well.

Here I could go on and on about all sorts of codswallop reeking of anything I like. And I wasn’t necessarily limited to a mere status update or 140 characters. Furthermore, I have tons of drivel written in many a drunken haze – things I just needed to share with someone at that very moment, albeit in a somewhat extremely altered state of mind (I do some of my best work in said state). After several nudges and many gracious compliments on the short communicae I force upon people I consider (possibly) worth talking to, I decided to take my writing beyond the furious evenings of bashing at Qwerty’s ingenious invention and waking up the next morning only to find a splash or 7 of whiskey dangerously close to the equipment I use to carve a living out of this stone we call life.

That being said, I’m really going to try and subject any of you who might be remotely interested in my drivel a bit more. May you look forward to the odd splurge of digital ink I taint your existence with, my friends….

I know I sure as Hell am.

//’bunny

Per aspera ad astra

Molten lava dripped from what seemed like an appendage, her sneer clearly overpowering the sizzling chorus of liquid rock returning to its solid origin. As liquid rock-turds merged with their whole, the mystery of how this bitch managed to hurl curve-ball after excruciating curve-ball still eluded the beaten man as the smell of burnt flesh filled his nostrils. With an all-too familiar pain from the onslaught searing through his back, he dug his heel deep as clenched teeth held back another vile curse.

Months had gone by without the reprobate rearing whatever resembled her despicable head. Life, strangely enough, was good. Sure, there were some challenges hinting at negativity here and there, but all were met with ferocious valour and duly conquered. For the first time in almost a decade, everything seemed to work out for a man once broken by the World. Until but a short while ago, that is…

I'll have you someday, 'bunny...

I’m not going to mess about, do not intend on appearing to wallow in self-pity or worry about sounding narcissistic when I say I’ve made it through some bloody tough times. It took years to get to, and subsequently accept, the philosophy that I currently try very hard to follow when the proverbial shit hits the fan:

“It doesn’t matter how bad it gets – learn from whatever happened and use that knowledge to improve your life, and possibly those around you, going forward.”

This simple outlook has saved me many an evening destined for despair. Well, that and lots of wine. Yes: things have gotten bad. Really bad. So bad that you find yourself ambling down that tar-pit of emotion eventually leading to depression or something of the like. Yet, after finally accepting the mantra pixelated into existence (for your benefit, by-the-way) in the prior paragraph, it somehow just became easier.

Over the past few weeks, however, Murphy’s hit back with a quite vengeance:

  1. I think it started hinting at coming to a point when my BlackBerry got stolen this past Friday night… I, of course being in denial that she had returned to my life, did not take heed of this little clue.
  2. Apparently these f.ckers phoned a whole bunch of people from my (contract) phone on Friday night, just after jacking it. I was on international roaming at the time. At approximately R10 per minute.
  3. I can’t block the said stolen phone, ’cause Vodacom’s system is down (surprise!).
  4. At the back of my mind, I told myself “all is not lost – I’ve got everything backed up on my external hard drive.” My external drive with everything on it, kept in a protective sleeve casing since the day I owned it, crashed yesterday. That’s 1 TB of data… gone. My entire address book (numbers, e-mail addresses, birthdays), all my music, 7 years’ worth of photos (approximately 5000 photos), all my banking data, all my software installation files, all my updates, all my carefully-crafted VMs for work, all my databases, etc.
  5. My credit card is maxed out after picking up a R12k bill because of people simply leaving without thinking about how the heck the restaurant is going to get paid for their services. No guys, they won’t simply let you leave on “good faith” that you’re going to settle the bill tomorrow or on Monday.
  6. My (diesel) Volvo’s service light just went on. Awesome, eh?
  7. While I’m at it, I hate traffic.
  8. Everyone else around me is so frikken happy, I could just vomit the whole day. Literally. And no, I’m not kidding.
  9. My laptop’s release from Deloitte has been delayed for another day – I can’t work, I can’t access anything, “I can’t do shit.”
  10. I forgot my Starcraft II DVD in it when I sent it in – luckily the game isn’t in really high demand or anything like that.
  11. Did I mention it takes an average of 2 business days for a transfer to go through between two banks? Yeah – do the math on the $$$ that’s owed to me.
  12. Oh yeah, that BlackBerry? Brand new, yet-to-be-insured – just in case you didn’t know.

    Hulk BRAAi!

  13. I’m still single and ever-more convinced that I’m going to die a lonely, miserable death after this weekend. Sod off with your “don’t worry, she’s out there”; “Don’t look for that person, she’ll come to you when the time is right”; “fish in the sea”; “you’re such a great guy”; etc. etc. etc. – I don’t give a crap. Spend a couple of years in my shoes and then come regurgitate all that hogwash in my face again, OK?
  14. I’ve officially ran out of contact lenses. A new set for six months costs over R2k. Yes, I’m blind. And it happens to cost a fortune to see.
  15. I haven’t had a decent holiday (longer than 10 days, if that) in almost 5 years.
  16. Taking that into consideration, I haven’t seen my family for longer than a week in all that time either. Should you not be privy to the fact: we’re a very close family. I miss the living Hell out of them all.
  17. I just tried upgrading my new phone’s software – and that’s giving me crap as well. Endlessly. For no obvious reason. Exactly the same model and everything.
  18. My Jasmine flowers are all little yellow shrivels. Dead. Kaput. Klaar.

Now, I realise this might not be a real post or necessarily in the “calibre” of my other meanderings – but I just needed to vent someplace. I started bitching on faceBook, but decided I’m going to feel better if I just burn this all into an eternal archive via this ‘ere lil’ blog-thingie. Unless Murphy blows up the WordPress servers, of course.

It took some heavy tweaking, but my new BlackBerry ROCKED !..!,

I pride myself on the quality of pretty much anything I unleash unto the World, and hope I can make up for this little shit-fit in the coming weeks. I’ve got a lot of ideas and things I want to write about, so don’t give up on my just yet… that is, if good ol’ Murphy should (for some inexplicably obscure reason) decide to ease up a little on digging her claws into my scrotum.
‘til then, see y’all later.

//teh ‘bunny

well, i haven’t written anything in months. a lot has happened since then: i actually started my professional life, i bought my own place (kind of), the girl whom i thought i would marry cheated on me with a real dick, i overdosed on everything i could get my hands on… life’s been busy.

shortly after my previous post (in january, ffs), i started looking for a job. can’t really remember if i mentioned it before, but i had been told that i have reached the stage where i need to be 100% financially independent. i messed around for the most of january and february while looking for a job. there was many a night that was filled with enough alcohol to take down a smallish buffalo, lamenting my unfortunate position of having no future whatsoever. i enjoyed the last days at varsity where i could just keep going and going and going and not having to worry about what i look (or smell) like the following morning.

eventually i found a place where i started my articles for CA, all excited about the concept of actually getting paid for doing some work (not that you could call an article clerk’s “salary” pay).

ag, you know what? fuck it. i got this in an e-mail today:


yeah, FUKiTOL. so my life sucked. so the girl of my dreams cheated on me. so i OD’d. yippety-frikkin-doo-da. what do you care anyways? why the hell am i writing this? i don’t get paid enough either. bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan.

moving into my new place today, it’s schweet… 2 bedrooms and a loft, can’t wait to get in there. sure, its gonna be empty as hell (article clerk salary=something laughable, even in Africa) – but at least i won’t have to deal with other people’s crap any more. mmmkay, i should prolly go look busy before my boss (can’t belive i actually have one of those now) shits on me for being tired on a friday afternoon. f.ck.

‘ave a good one y’all. drink too much, your liver dies with you.

i just need to vent today, because my head is bleeding.

i am so bloody gatvol of my life at the moment. some background info: i am currently a student studying 1400km from his hometown. my family and i are supposed to be pretty close, but last night when i chatted to them on the phone, they just made me furious. i mean, it’s that time of the year where everyone is getting tired and stress is mounting for finals. on top of that, i’m having a spot of trouble in my long-distance relationship (i know, but i love her). i just really needed someone to bloody-well talk to. and i miss my home, family and girl. all i heard from my parents (we have a stout ritual in place where they call at least once a week) was how i better not f.cuk up my studies, i need to stop partying and study more. i mean, come on people!!! i get enough of that crap all year round, and i was just really looking forward to having a little chat with my mom and dad. granted, my dad had a shitty weekend with work and all, and i understand the pressures of his career – but they really didn’t need to come and take it out on me.

thank goodness for my little brother. he saved the day by calling me back and talking with me. i love that guy, and he’s one of the two reasons i haven’t killed myself yet. yes, i get suicidal at times. and it sucks. it’s just that feeling where you don’t see the point in trudging along anymore, and it would be so convenient to end it. don’t get me wrong, i know there are a lot of people much worse off than i am. i have a lot to be thankful for. but i don’t give a shit about how crappy it is out there. i’m thinking about me, myself and i. i know it sounds egotistical, but what the hell – i don’t think it’s too much to ask that the sun shines on my little plot once in a while.

so there i was last night, feeling all kill-myself-like, when a strange series of events leads to me knocking my head open and bleeding all over the place. i had a slip in my favourite bistro and smacked my head on the stairs. it hurt like hell. i was rushed off to the hospital by a friend of mine, and they patched me up after i tried bleeding myself dry (stupid headwounds). they also pumped me full of funny chemicals to get my body stable after the little incident. the funny chemicals, of course, had somewhat of an adverse effect on my mind… which led to me saying a whole bunch of stuff to my girlfriend which i can neither remember or make sense of. i just know that i made her real sad, and that worries me. she’s real special and stuff, and i don’t want to lose her because my head is broken (yes, i’m psychotic). i just don’t know what to do or where to go anymore.

except home. i really need to go home.

my study plans and aspirations to get my real body back (read ‘gym on a regular basis’) were also somewhat thwarted by the hole in my head. i got set off with a whole day, and i won’t be able to go to the desired physical lengths without bleeding all over the weights and rowing machines. but we’ll see. i’ll probably be a bit scarce over the next few days or so – trying to get going on the knowledge trip and all. i just hope this stupid gash doesn’t hinder my efforts too much, as i’m still feeling a bit woozy and not-all-that-stable-yet.

’till then, au revoir…

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